mcsnee

Thanks for detecting my Geo Location, Livejournal.

This one came about in between sporadic fits of work today, and is dedicated to the general manager of the MBTA (currently in some undisclosed location on unpaid furlough.) This version is edited slightly from the original version on Universal Hub, because I am picky that way. It is a folk song, of course, so please direct any questions or comments about awkward scansion to your mom.

DANNY ON THE MBTA
Let me tell you a story about a man named Danny
Who is tragic in his own way
He drives down the highway in his Sport Utility
To run the whole MBTA

So will he ever succeed? No, he'll never succeed
Why did Fate pick him to lead?
He will soon go bankrupt 'neath the streets of Boston
He's the man who'll never succeed

Danny said "I've got an idea for a brand-new train route
And we'll call it the Silver Line!"
But when it was completed all we got were buses
And a busted electrical sign

Danny heads on down to the Alewife Station
Every day at quarter past four
And somewhere on the tracks he goes and breaks a signal
"Cause commutes should take a few hours more!"

Danny answers all complaints, except the ones from bloggers
And pretends that he really cares
And then he assures us he will solve our problems
By cutting service and raising the fares

O ye citizens of Boston, don't you think it's a scandal
How the people have to pay and pay?
Demand brand-new leaders and full transparency!
And bring respect back to the MBTA!

And will we ever succeed? We might someday succeed
And get someone who's fit to lead
But until that day comes, we're all stuck 'neath Boston
So thank the man who'll never succeed.

I am convinced that Cuba Gooding, Jr. has cost more people the Oscar than any other actor in recent history. Because I'm sure the Oscar voters were thinking, "Well, Eddie Murphy did a pretty good job in Dreamgirls, and he is a talented man - maybe we should give it to Eddie." And then the TV blares: "Snow Dogs 3: The Piddling! Starring ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR Cuba Gooding, Jr.!"

They shudder a little bit. Then vote for someone else.

Yet the question arose of why Michael Caine, who could not accept his Academy Award for Hannah and her Sisters because he was - no joke - filming Jaws 4, does not fall into this category of Oscar-destroyers. And I think the answer is because while Mister Caine has a reputation for accepting a role from pretty much anyone who pays him, nobody wants to see an distinguished, elderly Englishman do pratfalls and do a bunch of fart jokes. It's not that Oscar winners won't appear in terrible movies, since they clearly do, but rather that those movies should at least be aiming for greatness.

However, I realized that if I had the money, I would immediately commissison a movie to find Michael Caine's limits.

Yes, he'll go where the paycheck is - but I would produce a film called "The Fartsmith," a comedy written by the most discarded of Wayans brothers, wherein Michael Caine would star as the greatest farting superhero in the world. He would wear a skin-tight costume with a puckered anus for a logo, and he would fly like a modified jetpack with the help of a match, and I would do my damndest to see whether I could get Dustin Hoffman to take the method acting role of The Fartsmith's nemesis.

I'd pitch it to him. And every day, I'd rewrite the script to see what sorts of interesting conversations I could get Michael Caine to have with me. I would budget a million dollars simply for impromptu salary negotiations.

Needless to say, the movie would tank, but the real money would come from the DVD and the many hours of featurette extras.

Via madbard

Original: craschworks - comments

 I really wish my body - my uterus, really - would just put down the catcher's mitt already, pull the goalie, and realize that there aren't gonna be any homers knocked out of the park and no assisted slapshots.  This whole monthly thing is just so totally unnecessary.  I don't need to be reminded that my ovaries are still in full gear.  I don't care.  So just knock it off already.

This entry originated at adampknave.com.

And then Josh and I made this. Well, not the handlebars. But, you know. The text.

40 years ago today, Apollo 11 left Earth.

Rafting was an adventure. You can apparently get very drunk off of a bladder of wine and beer. I was much more drunk that I remember beer getting me but I guess if you drink enough of it in the sun it’s bound to happen. I liked the river birthday singing. I also have to send out a Huge thank you to Brad for keeping me from having to go swimming and get my dog. I can’t believe Idgie jumped. She has NEVER gone (no paws touching the ground) swimming of her own choice before EVER. I was so proud of her. Had we gotten going just a LITTLE bit earlier we might have missed the rain. We were sooooo close to the pull out. It’s so hard to gauge. That was a LONG trip but I don’t know if we would have gotten our fill had we pulled out at Medlock Bridge. I think I will try that next time though and see how it goes. It might just be the ticket.

Originally published at BunkBlog. You can comment here or there.

There’s a new report from Fort Carson that details some of the potential reasons that post has been home to a distressing cluster of homicide and suicide in recent years. Not surprising to veterans, it concludes that combat makes some people messed up in the head. And, also not a surprise, some (many?) soldiers and leaders belittle mental health issues, causing soldiers who are messed up to not seek treatment except through alcohol, drugs and the occasional act of gunplay.

Mainstream press is surprised.

This entry originated at adampknave.com.

And here is the first shot of Scarlett Johannson as Black Widow in Iron Man 2:

Houston, We Erased The Apollo 11 Tapes : NPR

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Original: craschworks - comments