yeah

[info]mcsnee

One Law Student's Quest For Love In A World Gone Mad

(Because I'm not a technical writer anymore.)

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A New Theory
yeah
[info]mcsnee
August 4th, 2005
Yesterday, President Bush endorsed the idea of teaching intelligent design 'theory' alongside evolution and natural selection in schools.

I'd like to propose a third alternative theory. I call it the theory of "Design by Unintelligent Hand," or "DUH" for short. The basic concept? The Creator is an utter dumbass.

Consider the evidence:
  1. The dark. One of the big ideas behind Intelligent Design is that there's no way an eye could evolve. My contention? There's no way a Creator who wasn't a goddamn imbecile would create eyes that don't work half the time.
  2. Toes. They're just dangling there, off the end of your feet, with a bunch of fragile little bones. Combine these with #1 above, and you've got a recipe for disaster. You think Jonathan Ive would have created something as stupid as toes?
  3. Nonspecific urethritis. I can understand a Creator trying to enforce draconian anti-sex measures by punishing people who break them with oozing pustules and fiery pain when they urinate, because, hey, that's what Creators do. But random urinary tract infections? Just, y'know, out of the blue, not being able to take a piss without screaming? That's just stupid.
  4. Gravity's acceleration. Stuff breaks when it falls at 32 ft/sec^2. A little gravity's good--you don't want your coffee to go flying off the desk, after all--but why's it got to be so heavy? And don't get me started on what happens when you drop a bowling ball on #2 up there. You think the Creator hasn't done that a time or two and thought to himself, "Good gravy, I'm a fool"?
  5. Tiger cubs. They are almost unbearably cute--so cute that if you saw one, you'd want to take it home. But then it grows up and EATS YOU. Good thinkin', there, C!
  6. Genetics and natural selection. Anybody who's ever smushed a generation of drosophila melanogaster except the ones born with red eyes and has then seen the next generation born with red eyes understands the principles behind heritable traits and the idea that selecting for those traits makes it more likely the next generation will have them. So we have a Creator who goes to the trouble of making this simple, effective system, and then ignores it completely to create a billion or so species out of thin air. The sharpest tool in the shed? I THINK NOT.


Obviously, this is a theory whose time has come. Please join me in demanding that DUH be taught alongside evolution and intelligent design in our nation's classrooms. It's easy to support: just copy and paste this html into your journal!

<center><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/mcsnee/433748.html"><img src="http://www.smokingsectionmusic.com/duh.jpg" border=2><br><b>I'm all for teaching DUH<br>in America's schools!</b></a></center>

You'll get this lovely banner with a clickable link to DUH headquarters--i.e., RIGHT HERE!


I'm all for teaching DUH
in America's schools!
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This is one of the best things I've seen you write in a long time. I love it!
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Aw, thanks, Brooke! It was fun. :)
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You're a freaking comic genius, you are. I loved this post.
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Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all week...
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Don't forget analogous structures. When normal people draw something, and they draw something that doesn't fit into the picture, they usually erase it. Not Big C!
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You're so great. Thank you for making me laugh despite all of this garbage.

Side note: commenters #2 and #3 to this post have icons that look like daytime and nighttime versions of the same person.
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Yay! Thanks! :D

Don't let the garbage get you down.

And side note: I've never seen [info]shawnj and [info]gruggach in the same place at the same time... HMMM!
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Awesome. I'm so there. :D
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Followed in from a link, I couldn't help but laugh. Thanks for making the work day go by faster!
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You must create a website for "DUH," one that looks real, and then go on Oprah/Today/Fox and Friends to discuss it. Fun, fun, fun.

How about that appendix, just hanging there uselessly off your intestine, until one day it randomly *POPS* and kills you?

Plus, I never get what I really, really want for Christmas...what kind of Creator would do that?

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Those of you who don't believe in Creationism seem to believe that God is devoid of a sense of humor...a devilish sense of humor, at that.
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In all seriousness, this is pretty much what the Gnostic Christians believed. Not all the details, but the gist is the same: The God who created this planet (as opposed to the universe) was a total jackass, and enlightenment involved getting around Him to the True One.
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Man, I had four years of debating Gnostics, schooling against Gnostics, and contra-Gnostic Tactics classes at University, topped off by a "Of course, Gnosticism was pretty much proved to be absurd in the Fourth Century" at the end. Nuts! All that work for nothing!
Then it turns out half my friends are Gnostics. So I can't use my Mad Gnostic-Belittling Skillz on them, because it would be rude.

Who'd be a polite Anti-Gnosticist in this day and age, I ask you?
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I'll support your demand to teach the DUH theory in school, if you support the demand to teach the Flying Spaghetti Monster theory of everything.
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I hadn't heard about Flying Spaghetti Monsterism until today, but it seems to mesh quite nicely with the DUH theory.

Except for those schismatic Reformed Flying Spaghetti Monsterists.
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I found you via [info]anne_jumps. I just wanted to add... single point of failure. Only one heart? Only one brain? Does the Almighty not believe in a backup system?

Also, the appendix. Nuff said.
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Actually, there's a great backup system in place; the RAID, or Redundant Array of Inexpensive Dicks. Break a human, and often before you even got around to breaking it, the RAID has provided for a replacement.
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And that's not to mention the big "DUH" of having our optic nerve needlessly come all the way THROUGH the retina to the front, making a very convenient little blindspot in every human eye. Apparently among deities, our universe's got stuck with an underachiever with a serious problem with attention to detail.
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dude, so i was clicking around on this and came across this.

:D
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Haha! Awesome... she's not even on a friend-of-a-friend list! That makes my day.
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omgicon.

And to PostAuthor who I know is watching every move I makecan see this comment: Pure GOLD. Absolutely. :D
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(no subject) — (Anonymous) (Expand)
*adds to profile* you rock, will you have my babies?
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That was awesome-hilarious.

I *knew* there had to be a reason why I liked you. This post here? That's why.
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The love is spreading. My friendv posted the link, and now I love this person TOO!

WE all must become friends!
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Very funny, and I support this whoelheartedly.

Here via friend of a friend of a friend's list.
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Aahahaha, found you through [info]theferrett

And what about wisdom teeth? Why create useless teeth way in the back of the jaw that one day randomly decide to pop up and say hello, thereby ruining any amount of dental work you've had over the last 15-20 years?
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And, what's more, why only give them to some people?
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Most Excellent!

Have you seen the "Charles Darwin Has a Posse" website?
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The entire system of childbirth could definitely be improved upon.

(Here via [info]theferrett)
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Hel-LO, Big C... ever heard of a ZIPPER?
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Dude, I followed a link from TheFerret, you rock. Please can I be your new bestfriend as I have been using the "You'd think an omnipotent being could have done better" tact for a while. Strikes Jehovas Witnesess dumb!
So long as you don't mind I'm posting your banner on my journal.

Live long and prosper \/
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This is a bandwagon/meme that I shall happily jump upon and pass along.

Pass the trumpet, willya?
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Newborns and beyond

(Anonymous)

2005-08-05 02:59 pm (UTC)

I'll add to what others have said about babies: the Creator designed a system so that babies' heads are bigger than the birth canal? Nice one, genius. Also, so that they're born without teeth, and thus have to go through the agony of having them push up through the gums a few months after birth? Stupid AND sadistic, it would seem.

Not to mention, said babies are born without realizing that they have limbs. Or what hunger is, and how to fix it. He also set things up so that the mother's breast, which gives the food, is also big and pillowy and so threatens to smother the baby if it presses too hard inward-- which they all do, for a while, until they figure things out. And that's not even mentioning the fact that babies don't really know how to breastfeed from the outset. They basically have to be taught. To EAT.

Man, talk about dumb.

-1em
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Re: Newborns and beyond

[info]thomasblair

2005-08-05 05:07 pm (UTC)

I'm thinking that if babies' teeth came in before birth, they'd bite your insides, causing hemorrhaging and death. Just a thought.
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